Deeper...

Its the middle of October right now and I don't know why but for some reason this month seems to be dragging on forever. I find myself strangely stalled; like my feet are moving but I am just not getting anywhere. School is slow and predictable, my writing is going no where at the moment, and my social life is at its slimmest. I'm not complaining; I would rather my life be boring and stable, then insecure and dangerous, but I can't help feeling just a tad bit bored. Spiritually bored, mentally bored, physically bored...how many ways can you explain bored?
Then I look outside and see the beautiful autumn weather, and I feel ungratefully lazy in this attitude. Its not like I have nothing to do. Every day has something to occupy my time, whether it be studying for class or cooking meals for the family, but its like just in my spirit I feel restless. It always seems that with the changing of season, the heart as well adjusts to its own changes, after all the spirit and the physical are always combined.
Let the cold winds blow, so to speak, and clear away the heat of summer's blissful fantasy...crisp reality has arrived.
Or maybe I'm being to severe. Perhaps life is keeping this steady to pace, to balance out who I am. I've decided to never believe I know anything any more. Without God I know nothing, I am nothing, and everything else is nothing. Whatever He allows is good, whatever He withholds is good, and whatever He is doing is good. So I even in my growing faith, which still feels like a tentative, wobbling baby at times, I cannot doubt who He is, even if I doubt myself. And even as I doubt, it is like there this growing warmth inside me, pushing out all the dark ugliness and unwanted sin, squeezing slowly, each little issue one by one to the surface...they linger, if only for a moment in view of all...and then suddenly they disappear, and the warmth remains in their place. When someone asks to be emptied, I don't think most people realize the actual reality of what they are asking of God. In order for something to be emptied, what is inside must come out...it's not all glorious and inspiring to find yourself being poured out. Its not pleasant...but somewhere within all the unpleasantness of it, you actually find God in ways you couldn't before. Somehow His presence is that much sweeter, His forgiveness that much realer and His love that much more precious.
Now what does it feel like to be completely empty?...I can't answer that, cause I haven't got there yet...but oh, how I want to reach that sweet bliss, that reckless abandon of only Jesus.
Today has just been an ordinary day, full of ordinary things...but somehow I think in all its ordinariness, something extraordinary has happened...is happening every day. I think once again God is taking out another piece of this heart of stone, and replacing it with a piece of Himself...His heart of flesh. And somehow this comforts me...and tears away my bored, lazy mind...making me feel wonderful once again.

Everything
Lifehouse

Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel You
I need to hear You
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace again
You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the light
To my soul
You are my purpose
You are everything

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
and You tell me how could it be any better than this
yeah...

You calm the storms
And You give me rest
You hold me in Your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart
And you take my breath away
Would You take me in
Take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this

'Cause You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this
And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this